2002-09-09���11:39 p.m.

Peaple are like buckets. There is only so much that one can hold. I feal like at the moment I am overflowing. I cant handle all the emotins I am going through at the moment. Things were realy bad and I was doing my best to keep things togher but now I just feal over the top. I am totaly hurt lost and alone. I feal like no one understands. I just cant handle all that I am trying to deal with at the moment. My mental stability has never been great but I always held things togher. I just cant do it anymore. This is to much. Peaple always say that killing yourself is the easy way out. That is such bull shit. It is not an easy thing to do. I want to be dead so bad right now but I am just to afraid to do it. I am just to weak. Fuck. Everything is so wrong. I look around and dont know how I could be so stupid to get myself into the life I have. I realy wanted to talk to Jason today. I called him and he was more woried about his minets then talking to me. He told me he would call back after 9 when it was cheaper but he dident. I realy wasent suprised. Its strange he and I are not realy friends anymore. I have lost the peaple that mean most to me in my life. The only person I can even talk to anymore is Leigh. The other day when Ela was riping me to shreds she said that I would wind up lying to Leigh and breaking her heart or somthing to that effect. She is so wrong about what Leigh is to me. I kinda wonder if part of the reason why she felt the need to hurt me so bad the other day had somthing to do with Leigh. Ela has somthing in common with Jason. I dont think they understand the diference between loving someone and beeing in love with someone. I think why I am having such a hard time with Ela beeing gone from my life is beacaus I love her. Yes I am in love whith her also but I love her. I love who she is. Even if you take away all the hugging and kissing and sex and things like that. I love spending time with her. She was the one I could tell anything to. I have opend up to her about things that I could never tell anyone. She thinks that everything we had was a lie. She thinks she doesent know me. I think she is probably the only person in the world who does know me. It is possable for me to move on and be in love with someone else. I can fall again and I will. I will meet some girl and get butterflies in my stomach and feall all giddy again. It is gong to be much harder to replace my friend Raphaela. Losing my friend Raphaela is a million times worse then losing my girlfrind Raphaela. I love Raphaela. I am so sorry that this is the way things are. I am sorry that I hurt you so bad that you cant forgive me. If you are keeping score I think you are wining,beacaus there is no way I hurt you this bad. The thing is I still love you and all you would have to do is give the word and I would still be your friend. Does that make me weak? Maybe so. I never said I was strong.