2002-08-14���3:48 p.m.

Ok let me first start out by saying that this is my diary. It is for me to let out things that are bothering me to say things that I cant always say to someone when I need to. This is not to hurt anyone or to make peaple feal bad. If you dont like what you read here I am sorry. This is my place for me. I may let peaple in to see it but it is my space so if you dont want to read dont. Ok that out of the way here goes.

I am totaly screwed up at the moment. Just a few minets ago I was talking to her online. She basicaly told me that she does not want to talk to me anymore beacaus it is to hard for her. She doesent want things to get better betwen the two of us. I would be lying if I said that dident rip through me. I know she is trying to do what she feals is best for her. I know I still love her and I know somewhere hiden amoung all the anger and hurt fealings there is still love for me too. I dont see how this could possably be the best thing. I am the master at denying my fealings and trying to shove it all away. I know first had that that does not work and only makes things worse. I geuss this is something she needs to find out on her own. I know not talking to her is not going to make me not love her. Geez we havent been togher for I dont even rember how long and I still love and miss her. I hate the fact that I hurt her. Well now I am the one that is hurting. I guess that is what I get. Full circle. When someone has been such a major factor in your life for so long how do you just say fuck it and not care anymore? I dont know how to do that. I guess I will just hurt and hope that someday she will change her mind. I am past the puppy dog I love you wont you hold my hand thing. I love her in a much deeper way. I want her to be happy. I know I am not the one to make her happy but I had always thought that somehow we would be in each others lives. I guess I was wrong. I still love you and I am always here if you want a friend. Does anyone have a bandaid? I am kinda hurty.