2002-07-22���1:02 a.m.

Wow you think you know yourself and then somthing happens. A little door opens up in your mind and you realize that you are way more fucked then you ever thought you were. It is no big secret that I go to a shrink but the last few days I have become aware of stuff that I just never realy knew about me. Man I have major issues. When it comes to love I am a totaly fucked up guy. There is this girl I like but I totaly wont go out with her. Just cant do it. for 2 main reasons.

1. She is a woman and I totaly cant trust her. Nothing agenst her but Crystal has me totaly fucked when it comes to the trusting women thing.

2. I cant trust me. Beacaus I am so fucked up over women I would totaly fuck it up. I still have major fealings for Ela and that would mess things up.

I let what Crystal did to me totaly change me. Beacaus of messed up mental things in my head I lost Ela. I lied to her I hurt her and it was all beacaus I am fucked in the head. How could I even think of doing that to someone I care about again? The thing is I dont know how to fix what is wrong. I want to be able to be in a relationship and i want to be able to be happy but I just dont know how to. And lets just say I was able to ask this person out and start going out agian. I dont trust myself not to hurt her beacaus of Ela. WOW I am a fucked unit. Any sugestions as to what the fuck I should do? I am so sick of beeing alone and so sick of fealing fucked up on the inside. It is just totaly messed up that beacaus I have trust issues with women I totaly fucked up Ela. I gave her the same isues I have. I have done some bad things in my life but that is the worst. Ela I am so sorry. Im going to bed. Night all.