2002-01-21���11:57 p.m.

Confusion. It is more then a way of life. I feal pulled in 50 diferent directions. Lost. Its like I was droped out in the middle of the woods at night and have to find my way out. Its cold and scary. I am tired and alone. I dont like this game anymore and I dont want to play. What I wouldent give to wake up tomorow and be 16 again. To not have all my mistakes. To have the thought that anything was posible. To have faith again. I rember what it was like to beleve in your dreams. To actually think that things were going to be ok. I though I was so smart. I knew just how things were going to be. Boy was I wrong. The scary thing is I just dont know how to make things better. To be honest I dont know if I would have the courage to fix things if I knew how. I rember my mom when I was young. I wish she really was what I thought she was back then. It would be so good to have her come up to me put her arms around me and just hug me and tell me that she loves me and that things will be ok. But she isent who I thought she was, and I dont really beleve that things will be ok. I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am. I wish so bad that I was who peaple think I am. I wish I was as strong as peaple think. In reality I am just a scared little boy who cries at night beacaus he wants somone to hold in the dark. I want my faith back. I want to beleve in love. I want to beleve that it will all work out in the end. I want to sleep at night knowing that things are all right. I want someone to hold my hand. It is amazing how much is said with out a word when someone holds your hand. I dont want someone to cary me just someone to care. I am sorry this sounds so down but to be hones that is where I am at the moment and this is suposto be a place to let things out. At the moment I am hurt and alone and I am tired of pretending that I am not. It feals like all I do is pretend all day. At work I pretend that I care. At home I pretend that I am happy. the truth is I dont care and I am not happy. Shiloh is a fucked up person who is way tired. Tired of caring tired of pretending tired of hurting. Shiloh is just tired. I leave you tonight not with paranoid thoughts or a funny thing to think about but with the words of T.S.O.L. Goodnight all.

I'm tired of looking (It's not in my vision)

I'm tired of seeing (Don't wanna see this)

I'm tired of hearing (Don't tell me your shit)

I'm tired of being (So why am I here?)

I'm tired of life (And all of its jokes)

Imaginary lines (To fool the fools)

Imaginary rules (To live your life by)

And all the worlds fools

Life is so easy when you're told what to do

Where to work and how to be you

But the jokes wears off and you're still laughing

Caught in your own trap and you're all happy

Too stupid to know it (Just try use your head)

Too stupid to care (You've all been fooled)

Just one voice screaming (surender your point)

Just one in a million (A little speck of flesh)

Who's gonna hear it (Scream till you die)

Who's gonna know it (Your conscience your mind)

Who even cares (No one but yourself)

It's hopeless (You're hopeless)

because of the process, because of the system,

because you're still laughing, because you don't listen,

because of the process, because of the system,

because you're still laughing, because you don't listen