2002-01-07���10:34 p.m.

Today was the first day of my job and I thought I was going to write about that beacaus I have a lot to say about it but I cant. Tonight I have to write to my lil mole.

wow. WOW. When I read what you wrote I was speachless. As I am trying to write somthing here I am at a total loss. I read it. I cried. I read it again. I must have read that a hundred times today. I am sure I will read it a hundred times tomorow. It will always be in my heart. You will always be in my heart. I wish I knew how to put into words how much you mean to me. I just dont know how to. The times we spend togher are so important to me. Man this is so hard to write. There are 10 billion thoughts and emotions going through my head right now. Our relationship is so strange. We seam to fade in and out of each others lives. We go through spurts of hanging out and talking to not at all. (granted I do leave the state a lot) but you never for one second fade from my heart. I rember the night you walked over to my house to see me before I left for Arkansas. When you walked up to me and huged me I never wanted that hug to end. I promised I would be back but at the time I was so sick and I really dident think I would be. I was so close to falling all apart and that hug kept me togher. I think about another time when I left. (geez I leave way to much) And I dident say goodbye to you. When I came back I wanted to see you so bad but I was afraid that you were mad at me. I finaly got up the nerve to have Jason and Tara take me to your work. You dident say a word. You just smiled real big and gave me a huge hug. I cant imagine a world with out hugs from you. There are just so many things to say. Its funny I always think of you as the untouchable one. When I first met you I was so taken by you. I see the things you write about your boy and I know the things you tell me. I know you love him but what I wouldent give to see you really happy. I would be lying if I dident say that I look at you somtimes and wonder what if. Things would never have worked out. For starters I am so in love with Ela and I know you love your boy. I love you in a way that is so hard to explain. (but when Ela reads this I am going to have to explain) I knew when I first met you that it would be so easy to fall for you. But I also knew that you and I would never happen. I thank you so much for understanding why I have to go to Germany. I know you worie that I am going to get my heart broken. I tell myself that I will be ok just beeing friends with ela but to be honest I dont really know how hard it will be. But I do have practace at just beeing friends with somone I love. I love you