2002-01-03���8:54 p.m.

hello all. I am in a totaly strange mood at the moment. But I dont think that is a bad thing. I just feal kinda weird. I am gong to start a job in the morning which is a way good thing. The job sucks which is a way bad thing. But it is a way that I can get to Germany to see Ela and that is what is important. Over the last few days I have made some big revalations about my life. most of my friends have no faith in me. To make things worse they have no reason to have any. Wow that sucks. I have decided that I dont like Shiloh to much at the moment. But insted of just whining and bitching about it I have decided to change things. I am not going to make promises that I cant keep. And I am going to do everything to keep the ones I do make. I know Ela is probably scared that I wont really come to Germany. I know Jenni hopes I will but doesent totaly beleve that I am. This is a good chance for me to prove myself. I am in the endzone and they have thrown me the ball. All I have to do is not fuck up this time. To be honest that is way scary. I sudenly feal pressure. I am a fuck up. WOW I never realized that before. I dont want to be. I have to go. For so many reasons. Yes I want to see Ela and Jenni but for so many more reasons. To prove to myself and the world that I can do somthing right. I talked to somone who I wont say who tonight. Man she really fucking pisses me off. She thinks the only reason I am going is beacaus Ela is making me feal bad and pulling my strings. Stupid little girls who dont know shit about life should learn to keep there mouths shut. (especialy when they are the ones pulling peaples strings) Somtimes it is so hard to hold your toung when you want to let somone have it. Oh well. What can you do.

I am re reading some of this and I sound way angry. Sorry abut that. I am actualy getting in a better mood. Its good to let things out. I think about last year when I was in Germany and everything I did and all the cool things I saw. It was so great just to spend so much time with Ela. I know it is going to be way diferent now. It is going to be strange just beeing a friend. To be honest I am way scared of that. How am I suposto go up to the most beautifal girl in the world and just give her a hug and say HI! I know every part of me is going to be dying to just grab her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and how bad I miss her. Man that is going to be so hard to deal with. It is somthing I have to do though. I know you are scared to Ela. We can do this. I think it would be much harder if we dident. Just rember Dolphins and dreamcatchers. There was a time before holding and kissing. Life is scarry babe. Lets not be to afraid to try.

Ok somthing else. There is a song on my mind so I am putting the lyrics here. Man I am sorry if this entry is going on forever. I swear it will be over soon.

"No One Is To Blame"

Howard Jones

You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim

You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it

You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win

Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost

The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her, and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit but you can't reach it

Its the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit

Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain

Aspirations in the clouds makes your hopes go down the drain

And you want her, and she wants you

I put the pic back up tonight just incase It wasent up when you were here last night. Sorry bout that.

Later

Shiloh