2004-09-20���12:13 a.m.

Its late and I should be in bed but I just cant sleep at the moment. This weekend has been such a head trip for me. My emotions are on high at the moment. I have been doing so much thinking the last two days my head hurts. I went out on friday and I realy wish that I had just stayed home. I guess all in all I should have had a good time but I realy dident. I met this girl. It realy fucked me up. This is going to make me sound mental but we all already know I am mental so it will come as no suprise. She totaly reminded me of Ela. I swear if I was to show you a picture of Ela you would be able to walk into a room full of peaple and pick this girl out and think it was her. We were at a club and it was loud so she kept leaning in to talk to me and I swear to God she smelled like her. Now I am having the most fucked up dreams. I am not even sure who it is I am dreaming about. I know that Ela realy is gone from my life now but she still is in my thoughts all the time. This weekend just made it worse. There was a time when I honestley beleved that somehow things would work out. I was thinking today and I had a total dose of reality. My neice is the same age as Ela was when we met. I am not saying anything bad about Ela but how could I have been so stupid to beleve that things would work out? No one at that age is ready for what I was looking for. I was a fool for giving my heart so totaly to her. Even if things hadent ended the way they did they would have ended one way or the other. This is logic talking. To bad logic has nothing to do with the real world. Beacaus here in the real world I still love her and miss her. I have dated other girls since her and I am sure I will date again but it just doesent go away. I told her a million times that I would alway love her no mater what. Wow what a time for me to be right. I find myself wondering how she thinks of me. When she rembers the time we had is it a bad thing? I hope not. It still hurts but they are good memories for me. Jenni was online today. Its funny, when she gets online my heart stops. I always want to say hi and see how she is doing but I know I would wind up asking her about Ela and I know I shouldent. God I feal so sick to my stomach at the moment. Even though it has been so long it feals so fresh now. Is this ever going to stop? Does she go through the same things? I miss her so much. Arent you suposto stop caring at some point? I would give anything just to see her again. Mkay I am going to post some lyrics now to a song that I sooo relate to at the moment. I wont say who it is out of fear you wont read them. Night all

It?s only natural with time

Details can somehow slip your mind

Something so sweet, though incomplete

You fill the spaces in-between

It never will be that way again

Maybe it wasn?t way back when

But to my heart and soul

This is the way the story has to be told

That?s the way (that?s the way) I remember it

I remember it that way

From the day I was living there

I remember it that way

Some of our stories fade as we grow older

Some get sweeter every time they?re told

That?s the way (that?s the way) I remember you that way

Guess now if the truth were known

Among diamonds they were stones

To say would be fair, girl, nothing compares

To when I called you all my own

So darling don?t ever you think twice

Those were the best days of my life

When I held you there

And I?ll tell this story this way, time and again