2002-08-25���3:37 a.m.

number 2 for tonight.

Hello. Its about 337 in the morning and I am just now getting home from the club. I am not sure if this was a good night or a bad one. I drank more then I should have and I have this realy bad thing about talking more then I should when I drink. I feal so fucked up at the moment. Its not the alcohol that makes me feal so fucked up. Its all the stuff running through my head. I feal so lost at the moment. Its weird there is a part of me that realy wants to stay in Detroit but I just cant. I need to go back to Arkansas/Oklahoma so I can get the money to go see Ela. Tonight I was way to honest about some things I realy dont like about me. I guess in my own way it was like I was trying to give my self no choice but to leave. I hate that peaple hear think that I am cool. That is such a lie. I guess I thought that maybe if they could see the real me then it would be easier for me to leave. Its still not going to be easy. I realy love these peaple so much. I know they dont realy understand why I have to do what I have to do. I Love Raphaela more then I ever thought I could love anyone. I will do whatevr it takes to go over there and try to make things right. It may not work out and she may just send me away but I would rather come back with a totaly broken heart then live with knowing I dident do all I could to try to show her how much I love her. Such a weird night. I told some peaple tonight the worst things in my life. I should realy not drink when I am in a bad mood. Its strange but at the moment I feal free for some reason. God there are some peaple here I am going to miss so bad. Its funny I think the peaple I will miss the most dont even realy realize how much they mean to me. I hate that I feal inhibited at the moment beacaus there are some things that I would love to say that I know I could never say to there faces and even know writing here and full of drink and lack of sleep I dont have it in me to say the things I want to say. I guess I am not as free as I thought I was. Well I guess I should go and try to sleep. I wonder what I should put in my cd player as I lay down to sleep. I wish Ela was here. I would so love just to lay down in her arms and go to sleep. I miss lying next to her rubbing her belly through her silk pj's. Ela I love ou so much. I miss you more then I know how to tell you. Goodnight.

ps. To my lille mole. I need to see you before I go. I know you dont want to hear this but you realy need to work things out with Tara. She misses you.