2002-08-19���10:37 p.m.

I am so sick of fighting. I fight with Ela I fight with my mom I fight with the school I fight with Steph. I am so sick of it all. What I wouldent give to have the life I thought was mine a few years ago. I just want to be happy. Is that asking for to much? Every time Ela and I talk (which is only on aim) she gets upset and I feal like a dick. I want so bad for things between us to be better and I just dont know if that is going to happen. There are just so many things that I miss about having her in my life. I know she is not dealing well with this eather. She just cant give anymore. I hate that I have made her so upset that she feals like she just cant do anymore. I made the mistake today of saying that she gave up. It realy pissed her off bad. I know she has tried a zillion times. But if you stop trying isent that giving up? I dont blame her beacaus I know I am the one who made her so sick of it all. Maybe I am just a fool beacus if I try a million times and it does not work I will try a million and one. My heart just wont let me give up. I wish I could but I cant. I just keep on fighting even if I know I cant win. I guess I can blame that on my dad. He was the same way. He always went with his heart and not his head. I would give anything if I could just get on a plane and show up at her door tomorow. I wonder what she would say. I wonder if she would just slam the door in my face. At least then she might belve me that I realy am sorry. I hate the fact that I am writing what I feal and part of me is realy afraid that she will get mad when she reads this. I am so tired of her beeing angry at me. I hate not knowing how to fix things. There is nothing I wouldent do to make things better. I just dont know how. I am so sorry Ela. I miss you so much. Well....now that I am totaly depressd I think I will go. Night all.