2002-02-10���3:31 a.m.

Hello. I am in a very weird mood at the moment. (well kinda drunk but that is ok) I just got home from the club a little while ago and Jason and I have been siting donwn talking for a while. Life is so hard at the moment. For those of you who dont know I geuss I should let you know that soon I will be leaving for Arkansas. I am not to happy about it but those are the breaks. I love Detroit and I love the peaple in it. I wish I could call this place home but that just isent in the cards. Somtimes you have to do things you dont want to do and for me living in Fayettevile is one of those things. I will always come back to visit but alas Detroit will not be my home. There is so many things that totaly confuse me and scare me at the moment.Germany makes my heart ache at the moment. I am so afraid to see Ela. I know my heart is still so in love with her. It will be so hard to come back after seeing her. It is strange but I am slowly learning that she and I are not going to be togher. (you would think the fact that she dumped me would be a slight clue) it is really hard to let go of it. To be honest I dont think I would be doing as well as I am if it wasent for Jenni. I have to say thank you to jenni at this point. She is there for me in a way that I never imagined. Ela and I dont talk like we usto. I geuss she is trying to make space between us so that we can let go of the girlfriend boyfriend thing and be friends. I know she has a lot going on in her life right now and there isent much time for me. Its hard but I understand it. Hear lately Jenni is always there. I know when I get off work she will be there waiting to talk to me. You have no idea how much that means to me. At the moment I really need somone to be there to be a freind and to talk to me. I am glad you are there Jenni I hope you know that if you ever need anyone I am here for you too. you help me deal with the harsh realitys of life. You show me the things I dont always want to see but you are there to tell me that it will be ok. I really apriciate that. Tomorow I am suposto see Sara. Nothing ever seams to work out when she and I make plans. I know my time here is short so I really hope that we do hange out. It would be so nice to talk to her. There are a lot of things I need to say before I go. (it would be nice if I could have my book back Ma'am) Maybe I am looking to much into it but I know it will realy bother me if we dont see each other tomorow. Raphaela. There are so many things I want to say to you right now but I just dont know how. Maybe I shouldent drink so much beacaus it makes me want to talk way to much. I geuss what I really want you to know the most is that I miss you. I miss you in ways that I cant even explain. I miss knowing that I would always talk to you in a day or so. I miss the way you would open your heart to me online and in mails. I miss the way we were. I miss us. I just want you to know that even though things are so diferent and it feals like we are sliping away from each other that I love you. When I go to bed at night I alway imagine you are there to put my arms around. Somthing tells me that I will be imagining that for a long time to come. I love you so much. Change is so hard. I miss you babe.

Dolphins and dreamcatchers,

Shiloh

I do so love this City.

PS. I liked your boy a lot Steph he is way fun. I am happy for you.