2002-01-09���10:59 p.m.

I have these books that I write in. Poems stories or just what I am fealing. I have spent the last hour or so looking through them and rembering. It is amazing how much my life has changed over the last few years. But it is scary how much it is exactley the same. Change a few names change a few places and it is the same story. I dont think I like that too much. I am noticing a patern that I am in that I do not like. And judging from the past I can see what is going to happen soon and I really dont like that at all. How do you change a circle? Can you realy keep history from repeating its self? Do you ever wake up and just think that somthing is wrong for no reason? I have felt like that for the longest time. I am having a really hard time right now with my fealings. I am so tired of the way I feal. It would be so nice to be in love and not have to worry about it ending. To know that when you reach for the one you love they will be there. And that they totaly want to be there. To know that there are no regrets. To not worry when you kiss them or make love to them that this is the last time it will happen. Love should make you feal safe. I dont rember the last time I felt safe. I always have to look over my shoulder. I am tired of waiting for the end. I want to be with somone who doesent want an end. There will alwys be problems. If you love someone you get throgh it. You dont say this is to hard and quit. I want somone who wont quit. Am I wrong? Am I wanting to much? I must be beacaus I cant seam to find that. I am sorry if this sounds way negative but right now I am way negative.