2003-11-25���11:58 p.m.

UUUGGGg!!!!! I totaly should not be writing at the moment. Exspect LOTS of misspellings and random wrongness in this entry. You should probably not even read this. just wait untill the next entry. I am not even going to reread this tomorow beacaus I know it is going to be way bad. Chris John and I have spent the evening playing xbox and drinking way more then anyone should ever drink. We talked a lot. No realy a LOT. We listend to a lot of music and had a general good time. It is way to late and I have to be up in the morning and I have no idea how I am going to do it. John in his infanante wisdom decided to show me a year book from grove with Ela in it. wow that is nice. How about you rip my heart out when I am down? Vodka and thhoughts of ela do not mix well. I am such the whyney depressed drunk at the moment. I even make myself sick. I have been hung up on her even more then usual lately. I miss her so bad at the moment. I can hardley see straight. I am so tired of beeing alone. I want someone in my arms so bad. I actualy called Brandi tonight. I guess I am lucky beacus I got a busy signal. I know if she had come over I would just lye to myself and pretend she was els. Fuck I realy dont like me sometimes. I am so traped in a past I cant have and I cant get out of it. No matter what I do I cant seam to stop loveing Ela, and beacaus I still love her so much I cant move on. I think about Brandi and all the bull shit reasons why we broke up and I know I just made excuses beacaus she was not Ela. Not beeing with Ela is totaly killing me. I still hurt so bad and miss her so much. No matter whow much time goes by or who comes in or out of my life I still only want her. She still totlay filles my heart. Its weird when I was with Brandi I felt like I was cheating on Ela beacaus i still love her so much. Is this evergoing to end? How do I go on if it doesent? I am so lost and confused. I just want her back so bad. I wonder how she feals about me and how she thinks of me. Everything about this just feals so wrong but I dont know how to fix it and I dont know how to go on the way things are. I need you ela. I dont just want you I need you. I am not me with out you. My heart is so empyt with out you here. Dont hate me for writing this beacaus this is just the way I feal. I love you. I am going to bed. Goodnight.