2003-11-13���9:49 p.m.

I have started this entry several times. I keep deleting it and then just staring at the screen. I guess I shouldent hide my fealings here. After all this is my diary. Just beacaus I let others read it doesent make it any less mine.

I realy dont know what to think sometimes. Here I am at home. Doing what I am suposto be doing. I work. I pay the rent. I pay the light bill. Trying to put some back for a "rainy day" I am doing what society says that I am suposto do. Why am I so unhappy? I dont mind work. I actaly kinda get off on it. Its a rush when you do somthing and you are better at it then those around you. Its an even better rush when they realize you are better at it then they are. My life feals void and empty beacaus I am alone. The funny thing is I dont have to be. I have met several peaple I could have relationships with. I just dont. I still cant let go of you. I cant let go of us. My mind can tell my heart a million times that what we had is gone. It doesent make me miss you any less. I still call Jason and talk about you. He tells me that it will get better. I will move on. Yeah. Kinda like he got over Nat? I guess it is beacaus I was(who am I kidding I am) so in love with you. Always before when relationships ended it was the other persons fault for one reason or the other. Even with Tina if I look deep enough into it I know why I left her and it wasent my fault. You are diferent. The one I loved the most is gone and it is my fault. I am sure you are thinking this is nothing new. Nothing I havent told you before. Its still true though. After all this time I still feal like I am suposto be with you. Part of me will never give up the hope that someday somehow things will work out. I know you cant see that. Evven if you could see it I dont think you would ever let it happen. I cant say that I blame you. So I hide. I come home. Microwave supper. Listen to music. I have put your picture away a million times only to take it out again. Its weird. I feal I cant help but write this but at the same time I can only imagine you reading it and it pushing you away. I am just not whole with out you. I love you Ela.