2002-12-01���11:59 a.m.

I have been thinking all night about what I was going to write here. I am still at a total loss. There is so much I want to say but I just dont know how and I am not sure it would make any sense or do anygood. I guess I will just say this and leave it at that. I understand.

on a totaly diferent subject I spent the weekend in Grove. It was totaly weird. But kinda nice at the same time. It was good to see some peaple that I havent seen in a long time but I am so glad that I no longer live there. Beeing there made me think A lot of Ela and all the time we spent there. I have been missing her so much lately and beeing there and in Joplin made her feal so close and yet so far away at the same time. At the moment I am eating a "Testamint" and I cant help but smile. Christmas is coming soon...I cant beleve it is already December. I know why things are the way they are but that doesnet make things any easier. I just miss her so much. The other day I was talking to my Sister in Law about Ela. I told her I dident feal like I would ever get over this and that I was always going to love her and miss her. She told me I was right that I wouldent. She said I just needed to learn how to deal with it well enough to go on with my life. I dont realy know what to think about that. I hate the way things turned out. I hope it is not allways this way. I miss you Ela.