2002-07-11���12:20 a.m.

I am in such a strange mood. There are so many things on my mind at the moment I am about to pop. Let me first apoligise in case the spelling is so bad you cant read and agin if it makes no sense. To be honest I am kinda fucked at the moment. (which is hapening way too often I realy need to stop this before it gets out of hand) Any one who knows me knows I dont deal with things verry well. As of late my way to deal with things is take a bunch of pils and wash them down with everclear. What a smart thing to do. But on the up side it makes me want to write so here goes. LOL I dont even know where to begin. I am so fucking confused and angry right now it is not even funny. Raphaela totaly hates me at the moment. (I say at the moment as if I exspect her to get over this when I dont) I tell myself lies to make myself feal better about this but it totaly does not work. I hate this. For the last 3 years she has been the most important thing in my life. I realy beleved that some how things were going to work out. I knew that she is my one and somehow it would just work. My faith in that has totaly been destroyed. The sad thing is it is my fault. I try to say fuck itand i dont care but that is not the case. I really wish my dad was here. He always knew what to say. I loved him dearley but to be honest he was a fuck up a lot like me. Him and my mom had lots of problems. I dont usualy talk much about there relationship beacaus I know it was not good. My dad had not been living with us for about 3 months before he died. He loved my mom and never gave up. Long story short..My mom took him back and a week later he crashed and died. What I would not give to talk to him right now. What do you say when Im sorry is not enough? I know if I was even to say that it would only make her mader. I hate this. I hate me for doing this. I hate that no one knows me. My friends all think I am happy and alway having a good time. That is such a lie. If that was true would I be siting here drinking way to much and hardley able to type beacaus of all the drugs in my system? J Mo is the one I turn to when things are the worst and he is in florida. He called today and asked how I was. I lied (big fucking suprise there) and said I was really good. I went and spent some time at Sara's last week. I acted like I was happy but I was not. I talked to Shila today and I acted like I was in a really good mood. I was not. Fuck. I am so fucked up and I totaly dont know what to do about it. Wow this turned out to be way negative. I am sorry for that but I geuss it is ok. this is suposto be a diary to let things out so there it is. I think I will go put a good cd in my discman and go to sleep. I think I need to hear a little Fury at the moment. good night all.