2002-02-24���4:05 a.m.

Ok lets get somthing clear from the start. It is after 4 as I am writing this and I am pretty sure there is more alcohol in my system then blood so this may not make a lot of sense but it is what I am fealing at the moment so hear it is. First of all stop what you are doing and go download "the metro" by I am the world trade center. It is what I am listining to and I am sooo into it at the moment. (I know I am saying this in total vain beacaus I know none of you are going to do it but you really should) Ok Tonight was my last night in Detroit. I went to city club and drank a lot. no really a LOT. I had a way good time. (all in all) did some things I should have done a long time ago but at least I finaly did them. I am in the mood to write mesages to peaple so I will. I wont put names up on them beacaus when you read it you will know if it is for you or not. The only one I will put a name on is the first one beacaus I know he wont read it. (he has this thing about long text he just wont set through it) so hear goes.

1. Jason. So I leave in the morning. Man I am going to miss you. You are the glue that keeps my little world togher. I am an ass to you and treat you like shit in the name of fun but I hope you know how much I love you. You mean more to me then any person ever has. I know that when worst comes to worst you are there for me. You would give me your last dime or the shirt off your back to keep me warm. I will never understand why you are so good to me but I totaly love you for it. I would do anything for you. I love the fact that I know I always have a home where ever you are. You are so much more then a brother to me. I love you jason.

2. I am so in love with you. I love you so much it scares me. I am afraid of our future. I hold on so tight to the things that have happend I dont know if I can move into the future. It seams like forever that you are the center of my world. What will I do if you are not there? Does life go on with out you? I am so afraid to find out. I pray for things to work out but the reality of life and the world scares me so and gives me so much dout. I have been in love before but never like this. I dont want to let it go beacaus it is the best fealing in the world. There is nothing like loving you. Sometimes I get sick of all the distance and all the lonly nights and my heart aches for somone to hold but my love lies with you as I go to sleep. There is only one you and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I love you so much.

3. when I am alone and everything is wrong you are there. You listen to all my problems and never judge me. You take it all in and still you are there. You keep so much inside but little by little you are opening up. There are so many amazing things I see in you. I love who you are. I wish I could be half the person you are. It would be so cool to mean as much to someone as you mean to me. It is so rare to find someone in life who you can just talk to and let it all out and not worry about what anyone will think. I feal so blessed to have found you. I love the fact that you are starting to open up to me more and more each day. I will be hear to listen to you like you are for me. Thank you so much for beeing you.

3. At times I think you must hate me. at times I hate me. I wish so bad that things could be diferent and that I could be what you want me to be. In the end I cant. I am so sorry for that. You deserve so much. I hate that I cant give it to you. If I could wish for one thing I would wish that you would be happy. I cant think of anyone who deserves it more.

4. you totaly freak me out. I dont know what to think of you. I can be so honest with you about things. I totaly like that. I can tell you just how evil I am and of all the bad things that I think and you understand. It is nice to know that someone thinks the same fucked up shit I do. You make me smile in a way that no one else can. It is strange. I am so atracted to you. I know my heart belongs to ela but you drive me nuts. The funny thing is you know you do and I think you like that one some level. That is cool. It is way hard to say goodbye to you. When you huged me goodbye it felt like it lasted a million years and I still dident want it to end. I like the part of me that I can show you. I thank you so much for letting me be me and for understanding it. (man it sucks that some things are not alowed)

5.pretending. wow we have that down to an art. You pretend you care. I pretend I beleve you. You pretend you are hurt by this. I pretend I am not. How did it get this way? no matter how many times you work things out in your head they never come out right. I make my self feal better by telling myself that my own stupid words are why things are like this but to be honest I dont know for sure. I dont know if I really want to know why things are the way they are. Just do me one favor before I go. Be happy. dont settle for anything. Get what you want and be happy. If I see you years from now I want to see a happy person then I will be ok with how things turend out.

yeah. I geuss that about does it. Goodnight all. Goodbye Detroit and all who sleep with in this great city. I will miss you all.