2002-02-17���9:50 p.m.

Hello. I know I havent been writing much lately. There are a million reasons I could give for that and they would all just be excuses. Some times I want to write suff and I dont beacaus I am afrid of what peaple will think. That sucks. This is my diary I should be able to write what ever I want and not worie about it. I write a lot of dark stuff lately beacaus I am in a shity mood when I sit down to write beacaus I dont want to go back to Arkansas. I am leaving so much behind. I feal like I am selling out. I am giving up what I want for money. But I just cant make it here. That totaly sucks. There are some things I need to say to some peaple and I am totaly not in the mood to write a bunch of mails so I have decided that no one gets mail today. Eh so I am a lazy bastard.

Ela. It has been really good how much we have been talking lately. I have been realy woried about the distance growing between us. It is really good to know that all it takes is a conversation and things are ok. I am so glad that I will be coming to see you soon.

Jenni. Yeah I know what you are wanting in the mail and I am so sorry. I have somthing but I just cant finish it. The words are not there at the moment. Just know that just beacaus the words arent doesent mean the fealings are not.

To my Lil mole. Honesty. Wow the other day when we were togher with everyone sucked. It was totaly not what I wanted. It is always good to see you but I want some time to be alone and talk. About eveything and nothing. I will be leaving on Sat. that is 1 week from today. That totaly sucks. You dont know how hard that is. If I dont get to spend some time with you before then I dont think I will be able to handle that. You have no idea how much you mean to me. There is a place in my heart that only you can fill. What I wouldent give for like 2 hours alone with you and just a little rain. No matter how many times I leave this place I always seam to find my way back. I know a lot of that is beacaus this is where you are. Somtimes in the midle of the night I want to walk to your house. I dont know what stops me. Fear. Fear of so many things I geuss. I miss you. geez I suck. I started to write I love you but I was afraid of that too. I love you

I am so not ready for all this. Cant I just crawl into bed and wake up and every thing be ok? I feal so afraid at the moment. helo? is there anyone out there?